And then there are the days which are just a bleak, dreary, ominous grey. And no amount of good routine, calendar of good things, welcoming prayer or choosing joy are gonna change the fact that we are still here.

Still at home.

Still isolated from our people.

Still trying to somehow get through furlough/homeschooling/unemployment/job hunting/work/the day without completely losing our mind.

Still waiting for this whole thing to end.

Still here, getting through a global health crisis.

Away from me with your 'it's a season of personal growth we're gonna be better people on the other side of this.' I don't know what happened to love joy and peace Rachel, she hasn't been seen in time. But grumpy, short tempered, lazy, so-help-me-God-if-you-breathe-in-that-annoying-way-again version of Rachel? She shows up every day.

Get behind me with your 'we’re all in this together and God is in control' because if anything, this has made inequality all the worse and over 1,000 people in the UK died from this thing yesterday and I don't really know where God is in that - none of the standard answers make sense.

I would very much like to be a tree planted by the river not fearing drought or pestilence. But I'm not. I'm def more like those bedraggled trees on the side of a grungy carpark within sight of a fancy cocktail bar, bingo hall and nandos.

I am grateful for all that I have. And I know I could have it so much worse – my lockdown struggles are just the easier ones. Lord have mercy on everyone facing the very worst of days - I hold you in my heart and in my prayers.

But I would still quite like my Before Times life back🙏🏾

And I don’t really know where to go with all the guilt and frustration and monotony but this from Henri Nouwen has been resounding in my head and heart for a few years and seems all the more true right now:

Celebration is not just a way to make people feel good for a while; it is the way in which faith in the God of life is lived out, through both laughter and tears. Thus, celebration goes beyond ritual, custom and tradition, it is the unceasing affirmation that underneath all the ups and downs of life there flows a solid current of joy.”

And so, as I did every Friday during advent and for new year, I will don my Good Clothes (which haven’t seen the light of day in almost a year 😭😭😭😭) and good lipstick. Stick on the Boss Bitch 2021 Survival Playlist. And then break the bread, pour the wine and give thanks – in remembrance of a God who is not indifferent to our struggles, in celebration of all that is good, in lament for all that we have lost and in hope that we will have all we need to get through the days.

Join me?

Break the bread. Pour the wine. Wear your good clothes.